My 500th birthday is a few weeks away, so I have reflected about my life a lot lately. A lot of the thoughts have steered toward love and my early experiences with girls, which shaped my view of women and relationships permanently.
When I was born in Florida my mom befriended a woman who gave birth to a girl one hour after I was born. For years that girl claimed that she was going to marry me and have children with me. We had constant make-out sessions when we were small. Then, when I was maybe eight she pulled away from me as we were kissing and told me that she wanted me to do something before we kissed again. I can't remember the task, but I remember that it was simple, so I did it then leaned in for another kiss. She shrugged me off again, then told me that she wanted me to do something else. At this point, I bailed out of the room and bailed out on her forever. You have no idea of the pleasure I derived from seeing her burst into tears as I got into my dad's car hours later and she pulled at my door handle as her parents restrained her.
...I was angry.
My parents will tell you that I have hated manipulation since the day I was born. It doesn't help matters that when I was twenty I unknowingly entered into a psychology program that was based almost entirely on simple manipulations of other people. The creepy part: I learned that some or maybe even many people consciously or subconsciously love to be manipulated-- it's why so many people have such fond memories of childhood. During their childhoods they had almost no autonomy and almost no choices, and people were constantly forcing their wills on them... and they loved it.
I hated it. Bill Maher said, "I can't say that I had a good childhood or a bad childhood because I was just never meant to be a child." I can't identify with this quotation completely, but the fact that I have remembered it for years definitely indicates something.
I often wonder how the average American man got to the point where a girl/woman such as the one who I rejected when I was small child has complete dominion over their lives. I am almost certain that it is based on laziness and the comforts of childhood that I described earlier. It's a problem that extends beyond this country, but few people argue with me that it's concentrated here. Many or maybe even most American women don't seem to derive the same pleasure from relationships that men get from them, and they make demands on men's time and resources -- I can't even blame American women for most of it, really: "You do it to yourself, you do/ You, and no one else."
So when I was in my late teens I had a cold realization that this nation is comprised of an army of my first girlfriend.
People think that the story of how I randomly met two French women a few months ago and almost instantly fell in love with them as I spoke broken French to them and they spoke broken English to me is amusing. I knew them for only one hour, yet I think about them to this day. The explanation is obvious: they were so unlike most of the women who I encounter daily. I hugged one of them, and I wish that it could have extended well beyond that moment. But as I've explained to people, my inexperience/aversion to most American women has made my game very weak. I haven't had a serious girlfriend in more than ten years-- when I say this onstage it often elicits an "aaawww," which bothers me because I'm not even slightly sad about it. I'm just sad that I haven't met more foreign women.
I believe in love, and I believe in falling in love. The last time I fell in love a couple of years ago-- and I do it every decade or so-- everything about me changed. I was thin, my complexion cleared up, my skin tone wasn't pallid anymore, and I had a slight smile on my face that I didn't even know was there unless I caught a reflection of myself. I felt happy almost all the time. Women flirted with me more than ever, but I was waiting for the lady who I fell in love with-- the lady who had a boyfriend and wrote songs about how much she loved to fuck him. Love makes people delusional, though. When I tried to talk to her later she just breezed past me with an insincere smile and some words that were inaudible to me, and it was over.
I reverted to my old ways. I recently saw a video of myself in which I looked like a bloated zombie. I'm taking steps to improve my appearance and outlook on life even now, but frankly, falling in love again would definitely improve everything. Hopefully, I'll find a nice French woman who wants dual citizenship. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for those .005% odds.
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