My Iron Man 2 Review

Alright, so 5 million professional and amateur critics have already reviewed this film. I am number 5,000,001. It has a few spoilers... but when you watch it you probably won't care that I "spoiled" some things for you. You will be asleep.

First and foremost I want to sum this review up in three words: not buying it.
I read many reviews about the film before I watched it, and I believed that the critics were probably grossly exaggerating the extent to which the film plays on infinite subplots and meaningless (to the IM2 movie itself) cross-promotions. They didn't. They understated it.
Here are a few of IM2's subplots (off the top of my head):
-metal toxicity in Stark's blood and the need to extract it
-Tony Stark's unresolved paternal issues
-the first references to Stark's alcoholism (mentioned many times in the comic)
-Stark's mental problems
-Stark's confusing relationship with secretary Potts
-Stark's futile resistance to divulging his technology to the military
-Sam Rockwell's bizarre association with Whiplash

Subplot with cross-promotions for future Marvel films:
-Iron Man's relationship with S.H.I.E.L.D., which includes Scarlett Johansson's character, Samuel L. Jackson's character... and some bland white guy in a suit whose existence is somewhat comedic.

And speaking of cross-promotions, there is also a vomit-inducing end-of-credits scene during which bland-white-guy-in-suit-whose-existence-seems-pointless drives into the middle of the desert to see.......
Thor's Hammer.
Who. Gives. A. FUCK?

Yeah, so you might get lost in this film's subplots and forget that it has-- I think-- an actual plot in which Iron Man must battle Whiplash. I think Iron Man VS Whiplash is the main point of the film, but it's a shot in the dark.
The point of the first film was rather clear-cut: Tony Stark/Iron Man VS Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger. I can think of only two subplots in that film-- Stark's tense relationship with the military and Iron Man versus terrorists. However, both of those subplots actually related somewhat to the main plot.
Also, the first film's dialogue was almost entirely improvised, which I love. Iron Man 2's script was co-written by Stan Lee. In Stan's own words, "'Nuff said."

Even the acting was subpar. The legendary Robert Downey, Jr. looks like he doesn't know what is happening sometimes. Sam Rockwell is miserable as Hammer. He is a good actor, but isn't nearly smooth enough for the role. He is completely unbelievable. Mickey Rourke is probably the only actor who emerged unscathed.

The randomness of the editing reflects the movie's ten thousand subplots. During one scene transition we cut to Stark in a huge wooden donut sign because... well, why the fuck not? Then, just as suddenly, Samuel L. Jackson, who has not appeared during the entire film, materializes somewhere below the donut sign. Again, why not?
Then we suddenly flash to the inside of the donut shop and Jackson and Downey are talking then Scarlett Johansson shows up in the Black Widow outfit then we cut to someone's house-- maybe Stark's house, maybe S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters-- and Downey is talking to Jackson then bland-white-guy-in-suit is introduced and we are told that they are concerned about his alcoholism.
OOOOOOOOO.K.
That whole sequence is enough to make you realize that this franchise is losing momentum.
2.5/5 stars